we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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