Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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