he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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