My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
