why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Randomize
