just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
