im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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