Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
