There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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