I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
