What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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