chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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