Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
We need a shit load of segways right now
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
