Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Randomize