i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
