My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
