after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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