I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Randomize
