Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
