I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Randomize
