genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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