i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
I miss vodka workout Fridays
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Randomize
