Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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