I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
