I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize