you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
