Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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