the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
