Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
