I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
