smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
