Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
