I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
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