my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
