Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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