Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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