Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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