did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Randomize
