I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize
