too bad you live with your parents still
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
