Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
