Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
