i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Randomize
