My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize