Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
