i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
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