my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Randomize
