Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Randomize
