He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
