Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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