Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
