i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
The uberlube is also flammable
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
