it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
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