have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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