I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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