I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize