im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
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