nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
time to smoke my breakfast
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
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