So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Randomize
