my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
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