Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
