Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
